Waves or particles?

My last post froze up on me when I was trying to upload some pictures, and I lost everything. Needless to say, I haven't blogged much. Grrr, technology.

Ever see What the Bleep Do We Know? It's more documentary than film about quantum physics and the way the world is so much different than we picture it to be. Our paradigms (ways we see the world. Assumptions we make) are ways of constructing what we know about reality so we can live and operate in a world and have it make sense to us. The world is flat. The world is round. Obviously, some of these paradigms change as we realize the old model we used isn't big enough. It doesn't mean it's wrong, it just means that it doesn't hold or explain everything that we come to experience in real life, so we have to change it.

Some of my paradigms are changing, and when they're in process, it's hard to figure things out. It's fluid. Only when things start to settle and we have some distance to look back do we begin to see where things have shaken out and what the landscape now looks like.

So here are some updates for those who read (and I hope to become better at responding):
1. Grief
I went through three months of pretty intense grief. I was bitter; I was angry, and this time it was mostly at God. It was good I didn't write publicly. Most of it wasn't stuff I'd like to share, and so I didn't. I needed to work through it alone, mostly, though there were key people and conversations at key times that really helped me out (some of you know who you are). I read Job. I read Psalms. I read C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed and found fellow commiserators as well as a common journey: the journey is often made alone, there are some common feelings, but then there's movement toward either acceptance or renewed hope, joy, or something along the lines of renewed faith and a greater realization.

2. Taekwondo
I started back to taekwondo in June after a 14 year absence, and packing on 30 pounds. Most people think the things we do are either nuts or dangerous, or at the very least extreme. We train in 92-94 degree heat for an hour and a half. I've passed out three times, thrown up once (hurled shamelessly at the back of the class), and yesterday we had a training where we had to block a knife attack (a real knife). One of the girls missed and cut her wrist (and was immediately sent to the back to wash and bandage it). I have much less sympathy for excuses. I ended up losing 10+ pounds, have gotten leaner and more muscular, and move differently. I like being in my own skin. Students often complain about making it to 8am classes, or turning in late papers. There's something to be said for discipline and doing the things that are hard. If you can breathe enough to say you can't, you can keep going. It's a matter of changing mindset. No excuses.

3. House
I'm looking at buying my first house. Not ready to write about it yet. More to come later, maybe.

4. Relationships
A big experimental testing ground right now. Everything I thought should work, doesn't. Most things that shouldn't seem to work, do. Rather than complaining about it, now I'm observing it in the real world, learning about it, using it.

5. Faith
I still believe, but like C.S. Lewis says in A Grief Observed, "My house of cards came crashing down and I saw what was left. Will I rebuild another house of cards, or will it be something different?" Not a verbatim quote, so don't quote me, but that's the gist. All I can say is I started reading the Bible again, though that didn't come easily, started praying again, even harder, and took communion after a month long absence. I don't imagine this means much to those who don't believe, but for someone who grew up with faith, has had seasons of doubt, but has come back, this feels significant. Every thinking Christian seems to admit that they doubt. Does it make faith less reliable, or just allow a place for some honest wrestling? For me, I think it's the latter.

Waves or particles? Depends on what you're looking for as to what you'll end up seeing.